epiphany
words drop out
of my careful collection
feelings fill spaces
playing poor substitutes
i tell myself

denial

punctuation, capitalization
syntax and rhythm
lost somewhere, somehow
stolen, i conclude
by sentimental saviors

clearing the clutter i cannot

realization

words are my weapons
my armor
enshrouding and soothing me
shielding me from so much pain
saving me from too much joy

confession

i ache for my lost words
the complex sentences
taking me full circle
allowing me to walk away
satisfied, sated

is it the sigh and exhale
i miss most?
or the simple act
of walking away?
i ask myself

shame

words drop out
the mufti-syllabic treasures
the most expensive, most expressive
of my prized collection
go first
frustration fractures my soul

fear

i am not all i can be
i am less
lost
lonely though not alone
i cannot be one sliver more
than i am this moment

misery

lost words wandering without me
who will be their guardian
while they are away?
while i am here?
being here
in this moment
is where i belong
is what terrifies me
is the first step
on a path i have chosen

acceptance

permission eludes me
dozens of times each day
permission simply to be
i give it, snatch it back
allow
disallow
over and over

struggle

words that once filled my war chest

are useless in this battle
will harm me
and others
if i rely on them
hide behind them
dance among them

acceptance

stripped and left bare
with substitute feelings
strangers i rarely allow in
i will thrive
not merely survive
memory serves up this sharp knowing
i have been here before

hope

i linger in the last losing
when words softly left
without notice
or apology
i recall the gifts
that lay ahead
growth, healing
learning to feel

trust

what are you feeling right now? she asked then
i replied
those are thoughts, she said
those are not feelings
i try again
those are thoughts
those are thoughts
thoughts, she said, not feelings

awakening

a list of feelings she jotted down
an open dictionary
pencil, eraser, paper

epiphany

~ by C. Mist Harman

Advertisements